a confession, and other random junk
I think I”ll save the confession for last.
So, my Pampered Chef business is about to get started! My kick off party is on Tuesday evening, and I have a small, yet respectable, amount of people coming. I tried out the reciepe I’m going to make… it’s so good… mmmm… I am a little nervous about what all of this means for me. I nevernevernever in a million and one years ever saw myself being a business-type person. And now, I find myself in the position of “owning a business” so to speak. It’s a little scary. In fact, when I think about it, I get this cold ball of knots in my stomach that just twists. My brain is on overload with all of my mental lists of what needs to be done between now and tomorrow night. In actuality, it’s not that much. In my head, it’s a mountain, and I just don’t have the right climbing gear. *sigh* Bottom line is, I know I will have fun… I just have to get through the first few to build my confidence.
Rachel stayed dry all night! I’m not going to tell myself that this is it, ’cause in reality, it probaby isn’t. But, it’s exciting nonetheless.
The baby girl, Hannah, who died in December from complications associated with MPS I… I found out yesterday that her parents are expecting again! Wow. Apparently it was not a planned event, but happened while Hannah was still in the NICU. They are going to both have to go through genetic testing, and I’m sure they’ll do an amniocentesis to check the genetics of the baby too. It’s exciting, and scary at the same time. Before Rachel was born, I lost a baby in a miscarriage, and before I miscarried my doctor thought it might be an ectopic pregnancy. My hormone levels were going up, but not enough for a normal, healthy pregnancy. For the day or two that I thought I’d have to take a medicine that would kill the baby… or I could possibly die when my fallopian tube exploded inside me… it was agony. I didn’t want to do it. I’m grateful that I was spared that decision because I miscarried on my own. Can you imagine having to go in to see if your new baby has the same disorder that killed your first child? And what would you do if it did? So, I’m in agony for them, but also joyful for the future. I thought when Hannah died that one of the hardest decisions they would have to make is whether or not to try to have another baby. I guess God did the decision-making for them.
Okay, now it’s time for the confession.
I have been sucumbing to a lot of jealous and envious feelings lately. I guess it started when Matt and I realized that our credit card problem needed a major check on it. We couldn’t keep going the way we were. Ever since we decided that I would stay home with the kids 2 and a half years ago, we’ve been relying on our card to make up the difference. Since then, Matt’s had a few raises, and really, we don’t NEED to be using the card. He makes enough to pay for our bills, groceries, gas, etc…, but it was a habit… we had become used to eating out, and shopping when we wanted, etc…
So, recently, I guess about 5 or 6 weeks ago, I started to be really convicted that we were not being good stewards of the gifts God had given us. (’cause really, anything we have is a gift from God…) So we talked about it, and decided to go Dave Ramsey-esque (which means, kinda like it, but not fully) and go to a cash only system. So, every week, we get our weekly allowance for groceries and incidentals out, and so far, we’ve stuck with it pretty well for 3 weeks.
The confession is that now that I can’t spend whatever, whenever, it makes me even more aware of those who can. Now, I know that some people are just like us, and are spending what they don’t have. But, I know others who are spending because they DO have it! Aggghhh… it’s just frustrating! I don’t want to think that my life is not blessed because I”m not equal to “so and so”, but Satan and his little minions are doing a number on my brain! This morning I read something in this study I”m doing, and it talks about values, and even had me rank my values. I had already done this a few days before, but when I opened it up today, it was still on that page. And this is the first thing I read:
Satan entices us to adopt every value in the list, except for one. Doing the will of God is the only value that belongs in the Kingdom of God, not in the kingdoms of this world.
and then further…
Is this too radical a thought for you? (a few days ago, it would have been and emphatic NO, today, it’s a struggle…)
If so, scan the list. Ask yourself, “If this value were not a part of my life, how miserable would I be?” Example: “I would enjoy living with conflict. I don’t need to feel safe from crime. I don’t have to enjoy life. I don’t need close friends. I don’t have to be prosperous.”
That does give me a sense of fear. To think that I may never live the life that I dream of one day… being able to travel with my kids, being able to not pinch pennies, being able to be the benefactor, rather than the reciepient! So, I’m having to work to overcome that. I know that it’s been planted in my head recently because we have been trying to honor God with our finances. I need to remember and believe, and LIVE that my most important value is to honor God, and do His will.
So, that’s my confession.