crash and burn

Uggghhhh… another confession.  But, it’s necessary.  What is in the dark will stay in the dark… and then will be with me forever!  With that said…

I’m still anxiously awaiting the call from my husband telling me he’s no more than 20 minutes away from home.  It’s 10:40PM on Sunday night, and I haven’t seen him since Wednesday night. 

He left earlyearlyearly to leave on a 4 day mission trip across the border to Mexico.  It’s a trip he’s done before with our church.  There’s an organization we work with that coordinates trips to an town just across the border.  Our church sends a group (this time there were somewhere between 60-70 men, women, and children) who went, and the purpose is simple.  Build small houses in an area that is actually a reclaimed garbage dump site.  Also, there are opportunities to talk to the people who live there, and amazing stories of God working have come back with every trip.  I love that Matt loves to go.  It’s one of the things that attracted me to him so very many years ago… the fact that he gives of himself so freely to people who need help.  Whether it be a family member, a church member, someone at work, or someone in a different country, he is up for it.  So different from my natural tendency to want to keep things close to home… and not reach out so much to others.

So, this is hmmm… I think his 3rd such trip.  Every other time, I’ve been with the kids by myself, and it’s been great!  (maybe the first time he went Eli wasn’t here yet… I don’t remember…) We actually end up having a wonderful time bonding and doing things that I might not do with them on a day-to-day basis.  I tend to be less regimented about our schedule when it’s just us.  Plus, in the evenings, when it’s just me, and no one to talk to, I usually have had amazing quiet times with God.  Just really great.

This time… it was a crash and burn experience.   From the first day, it was bad.  Eli is getting FIVE teeth at once.  Needless to say, the combination of that plus his ferocious spring allergies made him beastly to cope with.  Then, add an almost 3 year old who just oozes “personality”.  And not in a good way.  Then, and the PMS cycle from hades, and there you have it.  The perfect storm.

The kids were awful, I was awful.  I reacted poorly to everything they did that even came close to stepping on my nerves.  Aggghhh… and the worst part is that the entire time… even as impatient words and harsh tones were coming out of my mouth, I knew what my problem was.  (and no, it wasn’t the PMS!)  It was simple.  My days are better with God as the biggest part.  The past four days have been me as the biggest part.  I have been incredibly selfish (which, although I believe busy moms need a “time out” occasionally, this went beyond a need… into the nasty realm of thinking my need for “time” was more important that the needs of those around me). 

So.  There you have it.  My big fat nasty confession. 

I know that God is able to squeeze glory out of even nasty situations, and I do pray that He does so with my past four days.  I have repented of my nastiness, and hope that like the word “repent” really means, that I make a 180 turn from this past behavior.  Do I think it will never happen again…this ugly tendency to place myself first?  Nope.  But, next time I do hope to be more attentive to the still, small voice telling me to see the world through Love, not through me.

1 Comments on “crash and burn”

  1. I know it’s been hard, but I’m so proud of you. If James wanted to go on a mission trip for 4 days, I think I would say, “Um, are you crazy? And leave me alone? I think not…” I’m glad you shared, though, because I often have trouble reacting in love and grace to my children’s needs- and behaviors. And I don’t have the excuse of being alone with them for 4 days. I love you and will pray that God will help you to react with His love and patience. You can pray the same for me, if you want :). Have a great day!

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