I have never truly understood “bittersweet” until today…

It is 6:15 in the morning on a Saturday, and I am wide awake.  In fact, ever since about 3:15 I have had trouble sleeping.  My mind keeps jumping back and forth between thoughts of what still needs to be done for today, and what was happening “this time, last year”.

At 3:15AM, my husband and I were awake, getting showered and dressed to go to the hospital to begin the induction to deliver our third child.  At 6:15AM I alternated between thoughts of “I still need to hang the vines I twisted last night”, “when did I set the coffee pot to automatically turn on?”, and “this time, last year, I had taken my last ‘belly picture'”.

it is extremely difficult to explain the emotions I am feeling today.  In fact, as I type this, I am crying and smiling at the same time.  The joy of having experienced a beautiful year with my baby, and knowing there is more joy to come makes me smile.  Every time I see his mischievous face, or catch a glimpse of the little curl at the back of his head, I smile.  I LOVE him.  I love all of my children, but those who say you “love them the same” are wrong.  I don’t love any of them MORE than the other, but I do love the DIFFERENTLY.  Brady, my baby, I love because he IS my baby.  He will be forever stuck in that spot, which I’m sure at times will make him smile, and at times will make him frustrated.

As much as that makes me smile, I am still teary-eyed.  Brady’s labor and delivery was a blessing.  Easy labor, perfect epidural (no pain, but still sensation), 10 minutes of pushing for my largest baby yet… it was amazing.  And, the whole way through it, I kept receiving texts from friends praying for me.  It was just beautiful.  Although basically EVERY day of the pregnancy was difficult, that day was not.  It makes me sad that that time period in my life is over.  While I am truly excited about the years to come, and seeing my children grow and change (and likewise, am truly excited to be OVER having a baby in the house!), I sometimes wish I could go back and do it over again… this time, knowing what I know now.

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, to my beautiful baby boy!  This time, last year, we still did not know you were a boy!  This year, this time, our house is draped with vines and being prepared for your first birthday celebration later today.  You bring such joy to our lives, such laughter, such, ahem, loudness…  🙂  I pray that the Lord would use the infectious smile He has given you to be a blessing to others.

You already are to us.

 

 

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