fear of heights

My palms sweat, you know, when I am up high.

If I even see a picture of someone sitting near the edge of a mountain top…

my heart rate elevates, I have to breathe deeply and look away.

When I was a kid, I loved swimming, but the diving boards… oh my.

I could jump easily off of the bouncy board just a foot or so off of the water.

But once you got up to the stationary planks…


I would climb to the top, and often climb back down without facing the water.

Adoption?  It’s the high dive.  It’s the high dive off into a pool of deep, deep trust.

And after every jump, there’s another to be had.  A higher board, a deeper trust.

Filling out the application with our agency, doing our home study, sending in our letter of intent, fingerprinting, updates, WAITING.

Every step is a bit higher up on the ladder.

You don’t jump at the end when you have your child.  

You jump a million ways along the journey.

Psalm 3:5-6  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

God is all about trust.

When my palms sweat, I don’t even have to wipe them dry before I grab His hand.

We haven’t made any of these adoption leaps of faith on our own.  We’ve had a Hand to hold on to the entire time.  Jump after jump.  And the Hand we hold doesn’t mind if ours is a dripping wet.  In fact, sweaty is good, because it forces us to hold on even tighter.

We been taking leaps of faith in the fundraising department big time.  I’m not a fan of fundraising (at all!), but I chose to put my shame in a box up on the shelf & let people know how they could be  a part of this story. The past few weeks we’ve seen the goodness of the Lord in his provision. We haven’t just SEEN it, we’ve been OVERWHELMED by it.

A leap into the unknown, only to look around and see hundreds of others jumping with us.

From people we don’t even know registering to run 13.1 miles for our girl, to people standing in line to buy bracelets my daughter made… so much gratitude.

What’s best is what I can’t even share… the secret ways the Lord has been able to use US to bless OTHERS during all of this.  We are blessed, but it’s all the sweeter being blessed AND being a blessing.

With each leap I love a little more.

I love my children who want so very much to help bring their sister home.

I love my husband who acknowledges my fears calmly.

I love my friends and church family who battle with us as the ups and downs happen.

I love my far away family who do everything they can to be a part of Julianne’s story.

I love the daughter I’ve never met, and long for her to be with us more and more.

I love my Jesus who tells me it doesn’t matter how slippery my hands get, he won’t let go.  He CAN’T let go.  I am his, and he is mine.

When my mind fills with questions, when my bio kids have wildly uncharacteristic tantrums, when I wonder… “can I do this???”

He answers, “WE can do this.”

Us with Him.  That’s the only way.

He never expects the jump to happen without him.  He WANTS to be there with us as we free fall into the pool.  He wants to kick with us back up to the surface and laugh with us as we wonder what we were ever afraid of.

We’re about to hit a big milestone; a jump from a high dive stationary board.  Our paperwork should be sent off to China soon, like, within the next few days.

The knowledge that we have reached this point makes my eyes widen, “it’s real!”

“We’re actually doing this!”

“She will be ours SOON!”

Remember back when I posted about this dream?

It’s still a very real possibility, the Gotcha Day date that materialized out of my dreams.  That post was a jump, you know.  A way to trust, a way to let the Lord know that I believe that he still speaks in ancient ways.

My heart pounds as I calculate dates and hope and pray.  I want so badly for her to be with us before her next birthday; for her to never pass another year’s milestone away from us.

And I trust.  I close my eyes and trust that the jump will happen exactly when it is supposed to happen, without any interference from us at all.

To those walking with us, thank you.  You are holding mighty sweat-slick hands, but we know you don’t care.  And that brings us to our knees in gratitude yet again.  Every email, every message, every text, every word of encouragement, every check we get in the mail… we are so thankful for all of it… more than you can possibly know.





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