new perspective

You look at me and tell me I’m awesome.

I look at you and tell you “awesome” means nothing in the face of the kind of tired I feel many days.

***

You see me dealing with medical care, appointments, and therapies and wonder how I maintain composure in the face of a life-long diagnosis.

I see me barely holding it all together some days.

***

You see our large family craziness and say, “That kind of ‘normal’ is not for me!”

I know “normal” is a myth and we all just have to take each day as it comes.

***

You see my child doing well in her new environment.

I see the battles she had to fight to make it to this place.

***

You see us and tell us how well adjusted we all are.

I see us and know this current dynamic has been hard won.

***

You see the dimple creasing her cheek as she giggles and twirls in her favorite dress.

I see her grieving losses she doesn’t completely understand.

***

You wonder how we manage to do the activities we do.

I often see the things we can’t do.

***

You applaud my parenting.

I feel despair in the face of my failures.

***

You say I’m strong.

I know I’m weak.

***

You say we’ve come so far.

I see how far we have left to go.

***

But you know what?

I also see the things you see.

Her beauty, resilience, bravery.  My growing patience, wisdom, compassion.

A year ago, I could only see my side of the story, the things you saw were shrouded in gray.   I could only see how far we had to go.  I could only focus on the ways in which life was upside down.  I could only talk about the fears I had for the future.

I’m glad God calls us to do hard things, because that’s when we see a little more of His heart.

I’m thankful for today and the slow shifting of my eyes; more upward.  Less inward.

I’m thankful that HE sees her.  Broken.

I’m thankful that HE sees me.  Broken.

And he heals.

The journey continues.

 

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