undone yet again
There are some nights when all I can do is sit outside your room and listen to the keening sounds of grief. The years of neglect show strong as you push away our attempts to console. I’m not even completely sure I understand what is going on inside your mind, but I know you are grieving hard right now, pulling from a deep well filled with years of loss.
One more try; I slip into your room and lay down beside you, your back facing me as you shake with the force of the tears falling from your eyes.
“Why you in here, Mama?”
“Because I’m sad that your sad, and I love you.”
Tears sting hot behind my eyelids as finally a crack appears and you roll yourself toward me and grab my neck tight, your head burrowed under my chin.
“It’s gonna be okay. We will get through this.”
Will her grieving ever end? Will the well of pain that over spills into the present continue to well up as painfully as it does now when weeks, months, years continue to pass? Will it look the same or shift into something different as she changes from girl to young woman? I don’t have the answers to these questions, and try as I might to make the transitions associated with the holidays smoother for her, the jumble of life this time of year has left us undone once again.
For today, for this moment, I am here for you, my girl, and in all of the moments that will follow, and I am grateful for the chance to be the one your tear-stained face turns to when everything inside of you is breaking into pieces. The inside of me is wrecked, too, sweet girl. I am destroyed by the depth of grief held inside your too-young body.
We will walk through this, and you never need wonder if I will be there when you turn to look for me. I’ll be there… I’m with you and I’m for you. Promise.
One day, when you’re much older and reading these words I’ve written, I want you to know that words are not enough to tell you how proud I am of you. You have blazed your way into our family and fought hard for what you have always known was your birthright- FAMILY. You are the strongest of fighters, and though these moments may feel like your weakest, I tell you I see you at your strongest when you are able to share your grief with me. You are so very loved, my girl. I hope you always know that and believe the truth of it.